I feels so strange. It's strange knowing that you and I will never be the same again. It's strange knowing that someone out there holds a piece of me that I can never get back. It's strange to feel a pain when I hear songs, or hear his name. It's strange to know that I am terrified of seeing you. It's strange to know that you still have that effect on me, the one where you still influence a lot of things I do.
For the first time in my life I am truely on my own. I can do whatever I please and know that there is no one there who is going to say that I can't. You were always my barrier. You knew that, and you loved that, no matter how much you claim you didn't.
For three and a half years you were the only thing that mattered to me. The only thing that I cared about. The only thing that controlled me. The only thing that tamed me. And now, you're not here. It's scary to think of, and it will be scary for a while, but at the same time, it's almost comforting. I still pine for you, but not because I love you, because I miss the company of someone who really cares and isn't afraid to show it.
I feel free. Free of you. You were my ball and chain, but I'm free now, baby.
I hope you know that everything I ever promised you holds no merit anymore. I hope you know that I still consider you a very close friend, even if you don't think I'm one of yours. I hope you know I don't trust you. You broke that and now you have to work to earn it back. I hope you know you're the reason I was numb, the reason I continue to be numb. You were the first boy I ever cried over. The first boy I lost sleep over. And the first boy who made me feel the pain of heartache, heartbreak. I hope you know that, and I hope you feel what I felt, and still feel it, for so long.
I hope that when you hear Jonas Brothers it makes you think of me. I hope you think of the smile it would have brought to my face if I heard it on the radio. I hope that when you play your stupid video games you think of all the time we wasted together. I hope when you're sitting on that broken couch in your basement, you remember all the laughs, fights, and makeups we had on it. I hope when you crawl into bed, you remember the amazing night we spent together in it. I hope when you think of happiness you think of all the days we spent by the pool, and the nights we spent watching movies.
But mostly, I hope that when you think of lost, unconditional, true love you think of me. And I hope that hurts a little, but you remember I'm only a memory.
I tried to remove you from my life, to cut you out and throw you away. But I couldn't do it. I knew I wouldn't be able to. Not as long as we still have the same friends, live in the same city, and have ties to one another. The only way I could ever be rid of you completly would be to leave all together. Get rid of my phone, my laptop, burn everything you ever gave me. Start over from nothing. Because somedays I feel like thats all that I have left, nothing.
I have to remind myself how to smile sometimes. How to pretend that I'm not hurting. I'm getting better at it though. I know how to hide the pain. I know how to act like it's all okay, like I don't need you and I never did. But it's all an act. And only those willing to search will be able to see that.
But I'm doing okay. And thats the truth. My heart shattered when you left for good. The pieces so tiny that they feel through the cracks. I couldn't find them, and I was incomplete. But I've picked up the pieces I could reach. I'm starting to find the tiny pieces that fell away and putting them back in their original home. I know that my heart will never be the same, and that a part of me will always yearn for you, but that part is becoming smaller. The rest of me is getting stronger.
I'm learning that I don't need you.
I'm learning that I can find strength inside.
And if I can't, I know that I have friends I can ask for help.
I'm not afraid of being alone anymore, because thats what I want. I want to be alone for a while, do the journey on my own. I want to find myself before I find someone else. I want to not need anyone before I start needing someone new. I want to be able to stand on my own and be okay with standing on my own before I invite someone back into my life. I want to be amazing again, like I was before and while I was with you.
So for now I want to say goodbye to you. I'm letting you go. I'm not going to think about you, I'm not going to write about you, I'm not going to talk about you. I am barely going to acknowledge your existence. But I have intentions of finding my way back to you someday. Someday when we're both stronger. Because I know you're not. You never were and you're proving that to everyone through what you're doing. I see through you, and I always have. You knew that.
I don't love you.
I don't miss you.
I don't need you.
I don't want you.
And as Taylor Swift put it:
"When you've found everything you've looked for, I hope that life leads you back to my door. But if it don't, stay beautiful."
Goodbye, love.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Stupid Book <3
I don't think reading Twilight was one of the brightest ideas I've ever had.
It was amazing and I loved it, and I'm not going to lie about that.
I hate it because it made me fall in love with a completely fictional person.
Someone who could never be real, even if there was such a person.
Because no one is that flawless.
No one is that perfect.
No one is that breathtaking.
And I'm really starting to wish I had never read that stupid book.
Because I can't get him out of my head.
I compare everything a boy says to me to what Edward would say in the same situation.
I keep hoping that the things he says are things the he means. The way Edward means everything he says.
And I know that comparing everything he says to Edward isn't fair. Because there is no such thing as Edward.
But I want someone like that.
Someone who would do anything for me.
Someone who is happy to be with me.
Someone who is just perfect for me.
Someone who makes my heart jump and stop.
Someone who I am so curious about I can't stop asking questions.
Someone who is just as curious about me.
Someone who is willing to love me like that.
Someone I can love like that.
Someone who will do cute things for me.
Someone I can do cute things for.
Pretty much, I just want someone.
And I hate feeling this way.
Because you're far away.
And thats making you like me less and less each day.
I know it.
You used to say really cute things to me, and now they're getting fewer and farther between.
I keep trying to make you realise that I am a good person, and lots of fun to be with.
But its hard when I can't be with you.
This whole lonliness thing is really getting to me.
I hate it.
It was amazing and I loved it, and I'm not going to lie about that.
I hate it because it made me fall in love with a completely fictional person.
Someone who could never be real, even if there was such a person.
Because no one is that flawless.
No one is that perfect.
No one is that breathtaking.
And I'm really starting to wish I had never read that stupid book.
Because I can't get him out of my head.
I compare everything a boy says to me to what Edward would say in the same situation.
I keep hoping that the things he says are things the he means. The way Edward means everything he says.
And I know that comparing everything he says to Edward isn't fair. Because there is no such thing as Edward.
But I want someone like that.
Someone who would do anything for me.
Someone who is happy to be with me.
Someone who is just perfect for me.
Someone who makes my heart jump and stop.
Someone who I am so curious about I can't stop asking questions.
Someone who is just as curious about me.
Someone who is willing to love me like that.
Someone I can love like that.
Someone who will do cute things for me.
Someone I can do cute things for.
Pretty much, I just want someone.
And I hate feeling this way.
Because you're far away.
And thats making you like me less and less each day.
I know it.
You used to say really cute things to me, and now they're getting fewer and farther between.
I keep trying to make you realise that I am a good person, and lots of fun to be with.
But its hard when I can't be with you.
This whole lonliness thing is really getting to me.
I hate it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
A Little Bit of Everything
I don't know what it is about you.
But I open up to you so easily.
And I'm scared because I don't want you to use it against me.
I want you to get to know me.
I want you to trust me.
I want you to understand that I am weak.
I want you to see me for who I really am.
But I know I can't have everything I want.
And I have to be ready for you to ask me to be just friends.
But I've noticed that my pulse quickens when we're talking about something important.
I tend to forget what I'm doing and just pay attention to what you're saying.
I want to see you again, and see your face as we talk. I want to see the sincerity in your eyes, feel your compassion, just to know you're not playing with me.
And maybe I said all those things because that book is getting inside my head. But I know one thing is for sure:
But I open up to you so easily.
And I'm scared because I don't want you to use it against me.
I want you to get to know me.
I want you to trust me.
I want you to understand that I am weak.
I want you to see me for who I really am.
But I know I can't have everything I want.
And I have to be ready for you to ask me to be just friends.
But I've noticed that my pulse quickens when we're talking about something important.
I tend to forget what I'm doing and just pay attention to what you're saying.
I want to see you again, and see your face as we talk. I want to see the sincerity in your eyes, feel your compassion, just to know you're not playing with me.
And maybe I said all those things because that book is getting inside my head. But I know one thing is for sure:
I'm always glad to talk to you.
Last time I was with you, I was so happy. I felt all... tingly. I wasn't afraid to be with you. I couldn't help but smile. There was no where else in the world I would have rather been. You just felt safe.
But I'm terrified of being in a relationship again. And it makes me glad that you don't want one yet either. There is a lot to gain, but there is much more to lose. And I've already lost it once. Can I really afford to lose it again? Can I afford to get hurt again? Can my heart really do it?
Moreover, can it work out with us? I hardly know you, but my heart isn't what it was once. I feel like a tiny piece has been stolen, and I've put up walls in order to keep the thieves out. I gave it all away once, and I'm lucky I made it out almost unscathed.
But a piece of my heart will always be his, and that is a discomforting thought. I always wonder what he's told her. How many times they've laughed at the dumb things I've said. And the problem isn't that I don't trust him, it's that I don't trust her. I don't want her to know my secrets. I know that she would use them against me at the first sign of trouble.
But I need to remember that his judgement can be trusted.
And I have no doubt she's a nice girl.
I feel like I'm getting closer to being able to be his friend.
I can almost feel it again, that warmth.
Something like happiness....
Maybe?
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Just Let Me Know
I think there may be something about you. But I don't know what.
And it's weird because sometimes I think that maybe you feel that way too.
And other times it's like I don't even exist.
And it's weird because sometimes I think that maybe you feel that way too.
And other times it's like I don't even exist.
I don't want to be convienient for you.
If you're going to say the things you do, please mean them. Don't make me feel special and then forget about me.
I don't want to fall for you and get hurt. It's happened. And I don't like it.
I don't want to think about you if you don't think about me.
I don't want to feel anything if you don't either.
I don't want to wait for you if you're not willing to wait for me.
Because I'm sure we could be great. We have been so far.
And I'm willing to try if you are.
And I know right now it's almost impossible.
But I just want to know.
What exactly do you feel?
Because I'm sick of your bi-polar emotions.
Just let me know.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Five Things
I know I was teasing you about texting me so early and waking me up. But...
I would much rather wake up to a text from you than to my alarm. <3
And I don't know if I should be thinking about you so much. But...
I can't help it; you're so cute.
I'm scared because I can't stop myself around you. But...
I'm more scared because I don't think you mind.
Usually I listen to my friends and family. But...
I think that you might be different.
I'm really excited to see you again. And...
I'm hoping you're really excited to see me too.
<3
Monday, November 17, 2008
Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve
Everything happens for a reason, I am told. I guess I might be starting to believe this, simply because of the way I'm feeling now. I mean, I didn't think the two of us could live without one another and I never thought I'd see the day when you were with anyone but me. But look, today is that day, and I'm seeing and feeling and doing all of these things.
It's funny how strong you can be when you have no one to make you weaker. Or when you're forced to be strong because you really have no one else to lean on.
If you haven't noticed, I'm doing well. Really well. And I should say that I hope you are too. I hope you found the happiness you were always searching for. I hope you found someone who wants to grow old with you like you always wanted. I hope you found someone who doesn't fight for the sake of fighting. I hope you found someone who can make your day better, no matter what you're talking about. I just hope you found someone.
As for me, I haven't. I haven't been looking really, but I don't feel the need to. I don't know if I want to fall in love again. I don't know if I want to begin to rely on someone so soon after I finally stopped relying on him. But something tells me this new boy could be different. Of course, this is what I told myself last time, and he wasn't. He turned out to be the same as his friend, like I thought he might be. He lied, and I believed him like I always do.
But this new boy is something else. He likes everything I do. He's adorable. He's funny. He makes me smile. I think about him a lot. I want to talk to him. I feel comfortable around him. He feels safe. We have a lot in common.
But I don't want to believe he is different. I can't. Everytime I believe that, I end up getting hurt. I end up getting played and I really don't want that to happen again. Still, something is nagging me inside to just go for it. I just don't want to be let down again.
I know what she told me. She told me not to get into a relationship just for the sake of getting into a relationship. And I told her I don't want to be single for the sake of being single. So where do I stand? I guess somewhere in the middle, my least favourite place to be. For now, I'm having fun and just doing what feels right. However, like I mentioned, what feels right has hurt me before, and I'm really tired of getting hurt. I don't want to be the one who drives all her friends crazy saying, "he hurt me again. Please help..." I want to be the one they come to for advice, not the last one they talk to because of all the mistakes I've made. I want them to respect me and not think I'm some pathetic girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.
But wearing my heart on my sleeve is what I do best and the only way I know how to go about this whole thing.
I'm so used to the old routine, this new one is throwing me off a little bit.
Love always,
Jill
It's funny how strong you can be when you have no one to make you weaker. Or when you're forced to be strong because you really have no one else to lean on.
If you haven't noticed, I'm doing well. Really well. And I should say that I hope you are too. I hope you found the happiness you were always searching for. I hope you found someone who wants to grow old with you like you always wanted. I hope you found someone who doesn't fight for the sake of fighting. I hope you found someone who can make your day better, no matter what you're talking about. I just hope you found someone.
As for me, I haven't. I haven't been looking really, but I don't feel the need to. I don't know if I want to fall in love again. I don't know if I want to begin to rely on someone so soon after I finally stopped relying on him. But something tells me this new boy could be different. Of course, this is what I told myself last time, and he wasn't. He turned out to be the same as his friend, like I thought he might be. He lied, and I believed him like I always do.
But this new boy is something else. He likes everything I do. He's adorable. He's funny. He makes me smile. I think about him a lot. I want to talk to him. I feel comfortable around him. He feels safe. We have a lot in common.
But I don't want to believe he is different. I can't. Everytime I believe that, I end up getting hurt. I end up getting played and I really don't want that to happen again. Still, something is nagging me inside to just go for it. I just don't want to be let down again.
I know what she told me. She told me not to get into a relationship just for the sake of getting into a relationship. And I told her I don't want to be single for the sake of being single. So where do I stand? I guess somewhere in the middle, my least favourite place to be. For now, I'm having fun and just doing what feels right. However, like I mentioned, what feels right has hurt me before, and I'm really tired of getting hurt. I don't want to be the one who drives all her friends crazy saying, "he hurt me again. Please help..." I want to be the one they come to for advice, not the last one they talk to because of all the mistakes I've made. I want them to respect me and not think I'm some pathetic girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.
But wearing my heart on my sleeve is what I do best and the only way I know how to go about this whole thing.
I'm so used to the old routine, this new one is throwing me off a little bit.
Love always,
Jill
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I Believe
I truly believe that everything will be wonderful someday...
This is the belief that helps me wake up in the morning. This is the belief that keeps me going, keeps me thinking. This is the belief that gives me the strength to reconnect with friends and repair things that need repairing.
I believe that I have the best friends in the world...
This belief keeps me grounded. This belief makes me realize how lucky I really am, and it makes me believe that I can do anything. This belief helps me to be a better person and it keeps me from screwing up, like I always do.
I believe that I am finding who I really am...
This belief helps me make my own decisions. This belief helps me speak my mind and trust my heart, which has let me down before. This belief helps me realize that everything happens for a reason and that I shouldn't try to be anything that doesn't feel right. This belief helps me to stand up for myself and stand up for everything I believe in.
I believe that love will happen when I'm not looking for it.
I believe that things will work themselves out.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
I believe that all the things I have gone through in the past couple of weeks have made me a stronger person.
I believe that I am a good person.
I believe that everyone is beautiful on the inside.
I believe in karma.
I believe that there can only be so much bad.
I believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, somedays it might shine brighter than others but it is always there.
I believe there are people who care for me.
I believe that I can change the world.
I believe that no matter what happens, my friends will always be there for me.
I believe that people come into my life for a reason.
I believe that friendship is one of the most important things in the world.
I believe that there is good in everyone, you might just have to look.
I believe that there can only be so many rough spots before there is an amazing one.
I believe that I am the only one who can make me truly happy.
I believe that I am better by myself.
I believe that I am doing what I love.
I believe that this will all payoff in the end.
I believe that only I can make my life better and I think that I need to make some changes to make it better. And thats what I am doing. I am sucking out all the poison and surrounding myself only with the people I want to be around. I am being who I want to be. I am taking chances, making a few mistakes and learning from everything I am doing. I am putting myself out there and making new friends.
So, like I said, I truly believe everything will be wonderful someday.
Love always,
Jill
This is the belief that helps me wake up in the morning. This is the belief that keeps me going, keeps me thinking. This is the belief that gives me the strength to reconnect with friends and repair things that need repairing.
I believe that I have the best friends in the world...
This belief keeps me grounded. This belief makes me realize how lucky I really am, and it makes me believe that I can do anything. This belief helps me to be a better person and it keeps me from screwing up, like I always do.
I believe that I am finding who I really am...
This belief helps me make my own decisions. This belief helps me speak my mind and trust my heart, which has let me down before. This belief helps me realize that everything happens for a reason and that I shouldn't try to be anything that doesn't feel right. This belief helps me to stand up for myself and stand up for everything I believe in.
I believe that love will happen when I'm not looking for it.
I believe that things will work themselves out.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
I believe that all the things I have gone through in the past couple of weeks have made me a stronger person.
I believe that I am a good person.
I believe that everyone is beautiful on the inside.
I believe in karma.
I believe that there can only be so much bad.
I believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, somedays it might shine brighter than others but it is always there.
I believe there are people who care for me.
I believe that I can change the world.
I believe that no matter what happens, my friends will always be there for me.
I believe that people come into my life for a reason.
I believe that friendship is one of the most important things in the world.
I believe that there is good in everyone, you might just have to look.
I believe that there can only be so many rough spots before there is an amazing one.
I believe that I am the only one who can make me truly happy.
I believe that I am better by myself.
I believe that I am doing what I love.
I believe that this will all payoff in the end.
I believe that only I can make my life better and I think that I need to make some changes to make it better. And thats what I am doing. I am sucking out all the poison and surrounding myself only with the people I want to be around. I am being who I want to be. I am taking chances, making a few mistakes and learning from everything I am doing. I am putting myself out there and making new friends.
So, like I said, I truly believe everything will be wonderful someday.
Love always,
Jill
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Forever Friends
Growing up can be so tough sometimes. I feel that I am learning that the hard way right now with everything that I am going through. I have been looking everywhere for some kind of comfort because I feel that I cannot find any in myself at the moment.
So I turned to the only people who could ever truly comfort me, my forever friends. I do not call them best friends because I believe that all of my friends are the best. I call them my forever friends because I know that what we have is so special and I know that it will last forever.
It is hard to find a forever friend. I felt like I had been searching for forever before I found mine. And I am lucky enough to have two very special forever friends. So these are for them.
1. It's strange how distance has made us stronger. Almost the way you make me stronger simply by being my friend. You have always been there for me. I'm going through such a rough patch right now, and you were the one who 'picked' me up off the bathroom floor, you were the reason I got out of bed the next morning. You have taught me so much. You have taught me that I am strong on my own. You have taught me what true, unconditional love is. You have taught me how to be a better person. But mostly, you have taught me how to let go and not be afraid. I don't know what I would do without you. We have had our ups and downs, and always over the stupidest of things, but we made it through. I believe that we have stood the test of time and that you and I will never fade. Our friendship is stronger than ever, and I am so glad that you and I have been able to keep the flame burning. I love you so much. Even though you put bananas in your pants.
2. You are so unique. I have always been envious of the way you carry yourself. You have never cared about what anyone thought of you. I remember how you used to wear your hair. All short and brightly coloured. I remember how you used to wear all those pretty beaded necklaces. You and I have never gotten into any fights, and I am so grateful for that. You have always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, no matter what time it was or how stupid I was being. And I will always be there for you. It is hard to think that you are so far away from me now, but I know that you are doing the one thing you love more than life itself. You have grown into this beautiful and sophistocated young woman with immeasurable talent. Although we have never truly fought, we have had our share of ups and downs. But I am so glad that we worked through them and made it to where we are today. You always had this way of keeping me grounded and giving me the rational point of view I needed in the worst possible situations. You always understand me and never judge me. I will always love you, no matter what. You are such a big part of my life and I am so glad you are doing what you love.
These two girls have been my support system and my older sisters the entire time I have known them. They have been better friends to me than anyone else I have ever known, and I love them for who they are. I feel that they know me better than anyone else and that we will stay friends for a lifetime.
So if you are lucky enough to have a forever friend, I suggest that you never let them go. Never forget to cherish your happy moments and learn for the bad ones. Forever friends are hard to find, so when you find one, hold on to them with all your might.
I love you girls. More than air.
Love always,
Jill
So I turned to the only people who could ever truly comfort me, my forever friends. I do not call them best friends because I believe that all of my friends are the best. I call them my forever friends because I know that what we have is so special and I know that it will last forever.
It is hard to find a forever friend. I felt like I had been searching for forever before I found mine. And I am lucky enough to have two very special forever friends. So these are for them.
1. It's strange how distance has made us stronger. Almost the way you make me stronger simply by being my friend. You have always been there for me. I'm going through such a rough patch right now, and you were the one who 'picked' me up off the bathroom floor, you were the reason I got out of bed the next morning. You have taught me so much. You have taught me that I am strong on my own. You have taught me what true, unconditional love is. You have taught me how to be a better person. But mostly, you have taught me how to let go and not be afraid. I don't know what I would do without you. We have had our ups and downs, and always over the stupidest of things, but we made it through. I believe that we have stood the test of time and that you and I will never fade. Our friendship is stronger than ever, and I am so glad that you and I have been able to keep the flame burning. I love you so much. Even though you put bananas in your pants.
2. You are so unique. I have always been envious of the way you carry yourself. You have never cared about what anyone thought of you. I remember how you used to wear your hair. All short and brightly coloured. I remember how you used to wear all those pretty beaded necklaces. You and I have never gotten into any fights, and I am so grateful for that. You have always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, no matter what time it was or how stupid I was being. And I will always be there for you. It is hard to think that you are so far away from me now, but I know that you are doing the one thing you love more than life itself. You have grown into this beautiful and sophistocated young woman with immeasurable talent. Although we have never truly fought, we have had our share of ups and downs. But I am so glad that we worked through them and made it to where we are today. You always had this way of keeping me grounded and giving me the rational point of view I needed in the worst possible situations. You always understand me and never judge me. I will always love you, no matter what. You are such a big part of my life and I am so glad you are doing what you love.
These two girls have been my support system and my older sisters the entire time I have known them. They have been better friends to me than anyone else I have ever known, and I love them for who they are. I feel that they know me better than anyone else and that we will stay friends for a lifetime.
So if you are lucky enough to have a forever friend, I suggest that you never let them go. Never forget to cherish your happy moments and learn for the bad ones. Forever friends are hard to find, so when you find one, hold on to them with all your might.
I love you girls. More than air.
Love always,
Jill
Thursday, October 30, 2008
I hope you know...
I have so much floating around in my head right now. I can't keep anything straight. I don't know how I am feeling, only that I never want to feel this way again.
I really hope you don't like her because she said she likes you. I hope you know how much this is killing me. I hope you know I'm not trying to make this harder. I hope you know I want you here with me now. I hope you know I don't regret anything. I hope you know that you still have so much power over my thoughts. I hope you know I am trying so hard. I hope you know that if you date her, it will be so hard to be your friend. I hope you know I wouldn't ever do that to you. I hope you know that this whole thing is ruining my life. I hope you know this is exactly what she wanted. I hope you know that she does this because she hates me. I hope you know she will never love you the way I did. I hope you know that even if I do find someone else, he will never be you. I hope you know that I want to marry you. I hope you know that all I ever wanted was you. I hope you know that I will wait for you. I hope you know that I will always be there for you. I hope you know I have never cried this much over anything. I hope you know I will never forget you. I hope you know that I still LOVE YOU.
I just hope you know.
EDIT: This was writen about two weeks ago. So:
I HOPE YOU KNOW I AM SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT YOU.
I really hope you don't like her because she said she likes you. I hope you know how much this is killing me. I hope you know I'm not trying to make this harder. I hope you know I want you here with me now. I hope you know I don't regret anything. I hope you know that you still have so much power over my thoughts. I hope you know I am trying so hard. I hope you know that if you date her, it will be so hard to be your friend. I hope you know I wouldn't ever do that to you. I hope you know that this whole thing is ruining my life. I hope you know this is exactly what she wanted. I hope you know that she does this because she hates me. I hope you know she will never love you the way I did. I hope you know that even if I do find someone else, he will never be you. I hope you know that I want to marry you. I hope you know that all I ever wanted was you. I hope you know that I will wait for you. I hope you know that I will always be there for you. I hope you know I have never cried this much over anything. I hope you know I will never forget you. I hope you know that I still LOVE YOU.
I just hope you know.
EDIT: This was writen about two weeks ago. So:
I HOPE YOU KNOW I AM SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT YOU.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Immortal Beloved - Beethoven
Right now I find these letter very soothing. I was watching "Sex & the City" the movie, and when Carrie read his third letter (my favourite) it tugged at my heartstrings. So here it is. Something that means a lot to me right now.
The First Letter
July 6, in the morning
My angel, my all, my very self - Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time - Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life - If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be - Your faithful LUDWIG.
The Second Letter
Evening, Monday, July 6
You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays - the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, there you are also - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?
The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful
heart of your beloved.ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
(Thank you to http://home.swipnet.se/zabonk/cultur/ludwig/beeim.htm for the letters!)
Love,
Jill
The First Letter
July 6, in the morning
My angel, my all, my very self - Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time - Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life - If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be - Your faithful LUDWIG.
The Second Letter
Evening, Monday, July 6
You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays - the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, there you are also - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?
The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful
heart of your beloved.ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
(Thank you to http://home.swipnet.se/zabonk/cultur/ludwig/beeim.htm for the letters!)
Love,
Jill
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
You.
I never thought I would ever meet someone like you. You are the who who can always make me smile, and one of the only ones who can make me cry. You're the only one I have ever loved this way, and the one I have so much feeling for.
You are the one who knows all the right things to say, and all the right places to touch. You always knew how to make me laugh, even on my worst days or in my worst moods. You are the one I never want to forget, but the one that hurts so much to remember right now.
You are the one who keeps me going, and the only one who I would drop everything for. You are the one who encouraged e to follow my dreams, and the one who never let me get hurt when it didn't work out the way I wanted. You are the one who had all the good ideas, but let me pass them off as my own when I felt like I had nothing good to say.
You are the one who will always understand even when I make no sense. You are the one who always knew what I was thinking, even when I didn't say a word. You are the one who always thought I was beautiful, even in sweat pants and a baggy sweater. You are the only one I have felt this comfortable around, and the only one I want to feel this comfortable around.
Everything reminds me of you. Every song, every picture, every word, every person reminds me of you and reminds me of the person you have made me. It reminds me that I hurt the only person who would ever love me the way you do.
I am truly sorry.
You always have a place in my heart.
Love ALWAYS,
Jill
You are the one who knows all the right things to say, and all the right places to touch. You always knew how to make me laugh, even on my worst days or in my worst moods. You are the one I never want to forget, but the one that hurts so much to remember right now.
You are the one who keeps me going, and the only one who I would drop everything for. You are the one who encouraged e to follow my dreams, and the one who never let me get hurt when it didn't work out the way I wanted. You are the one who had all the good ideas, but let me pass them off as my own when I felt like I had nothing good to say.
You are the one who will always understand even when I make no sense. You are the one who always knew what I was thinking, even when I didn't say a word. You are the one who always thought I was beautiful, even in sweat pants and a baggy sweater. You are the only one I have felt this comfortable around, and the only one I want to feel this comfortable around.
Everything reminds me of you. Every song, every picture, every word, every person reminds me of you and reminds me of the person you have made me. It reminds me that I hurt the only person who would ever love me the way you do.
I am truly sorry.
You always have a place in my heart.
Love ALWAYS,
Jill
Thursday, October 16, 2008
That Girl
It is my personal belief that with every relationship comes 'that girl'. The girl who will do everything in her power to ruin everything you have worked so hard for. I must admit, I do have one of those girls.
You see, about three years ago, we really go into it. Mind you, I was 15, so it was a lot of hiding behind MySpace and writing mean blogs. Needless to say, I have grown out of that and apologized. It was my understanding that all of that was behind us and that the two of us were on good terms.
Apparently not.
She is back in full force. I'm not entirely sure why she chose now, when he's gone away and nothing can be changed, to come back. Maybe it's the fact that I'm nowhere near him and she can do what she wants without consequence. Either than that, I don't get why she is doing this.
I feel I haven't done anything. But she has taken the whole thing to a new level. She is blaming that fact that the two of them never talk all on me and acting like everything that ever happened was only me, as if she never said anything about me. Not to mention the fact she's talking about me to my boyfriend! I'm sorry, but that seems a little stupid to me.
And, as if that weren't enough. She's screwing around with my friends and my friend's relationships. Now, messing with me is one thing, but when you screw with my friends, shit's gonna hit the fan.
I'm just so tired of this. I wanted it all to be over because I don't think she knows how much it stresses me out. I thought everything was cool, but I guess not.
It's funny how a simple friend request on Facebook can set some people off.
Anyway, that's my rant.
Love,
Jill
You see, about three years ago, we really go into it. Mind you, I was 15, so it was a lot of hiding behind MySpace and writing mean blogs. Needless to say, I have grown out of that and apologized. It was my understanding that all of that was behind us and that the two of us were on good terms.
Apparently not.
She is back in full force. I'm not entirely sure why she chose now, when he's gone away and nothing can be changed, to come back. Maybe it's the fact that I'm nowhere near him and she can do what she wants without consequence. Either than that, I don't get why she is doing this.
I feel I haven't done anything. But she has taken the whole thing to a new level. She is blaming that fact that the two of them never talk all on me and acting like everything that ever happened was only me, as if she never said anything about me. Not to mention the fact she's talking about me to my boyfriend! I'm sorry, but that seems a little stupid to me.
And, as if that weren't enough. She's screwing around with my friends and my friend's relationships. Now, messing with me is one thing, but when you screw with my friends, shit's gonna hit the fan.
I'm just so tired of this. I wanted it all to be over because I don't think she knows how much it stresses me out. I thought everything was cool, but I guess not.
It's funny how a simple friend request on Facebook can set some people off.
Anyway, that's my rant.
Love,
Jill
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Hi There!
Starting a new blog can a frightening experience I'm sure. However, I'm not too worried. I figure as a first year journalism student, I should really start getting my writing out there.
So I guess first thing's first. My name is Jill and I'm a first year journalism student at a University about 40 minutes from the place I grew up. I live in Canada and it's alright I guess.
What important things do I have to say today? Nothing really either than the fact that I am so disappointed by the results of the election last night. I mean, Stephen Harper? For real?
I'm not a big fan of him to say the least, and with so many people complaining about him, I don't know how he managed to come so close getting a majority government. I voted for the first time and it really made me realize how many people it takes to make a change. Hopefully this won't last long and Harper will get power hungry again. Not that I want him to use our tax dollars to hold another election, but thats the only way to get him out of office. It's a complicated situation we're in.
Anyway, just thought I should introduce myself and say Hi.
Love,
Jill
So I guess first thing's first. My name is Jill and I'm a first year journalism student at a University about 40 minutes from the place I grew up. I live in Canada and it's alright I guess.
What important things do I have to say today? Nothing really either than the fact that I am so disappointed by the results of the election last night. I mean, Stephen Harper? For real?
I'm not a big fan of him to say the least, and with so many people complaining about him, I don't know how he managed to come so close getting a majority government. I voted for the first time and it really made me realize how many people it takes to make a change. Hopefully this won't last long and Harper will get power hungry again. Not that I want him to use our tax dollars to hold another election, but thats the only way to get him out of office. It's a complicated situation we're in.
Anyway, just thought I should introduce myself and say Hi.
Love,
Jill
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