Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve

Everything happens for a reason, I am told. I guess I might be starting to believe this, simply because of the way I'm feeling now. I mean, I didn't think the two of us could live without one another and I never thought I'd see the day when you were with anyone but me. But look, today is that day, and I'm seeing and feeling and doing all of these things.

It's funny how strong you can be when you have no one to make you weaker. Or when you're forced to be strong because you really have no one else to lean on.

If you haven't noticed, I'm doing well. Really well. And I should say that I hope you are too. I hope you found the happiness you were always searching for. I hope you found someone who wants to grow old with you like you always wanted. I hope you found someone who doesn't fight for the sake of fighting. I hope you found someone who can make your day better, no matter what you're talking about. I just hope you found someone.

As for me, I haven't. I haven't been looking really, but I don't feel the need to. I don't know if I want to fall in love again. I don't know if I want to begin to rely on someone so soon after I finally stopped relying on him. But something tells me this new boy could be different. Of course, this is what I told myself last time, and he wasn't. He turned out to be the same as his friend, like I thought he might be. He lied, and I believed him like I always do.

But this new boy is something else. He likes everything I do. He's adorable. He's funny. He makes me smile. I think about him a lot. I want to talk to him. I feel comfortable around him. He feels safe. We have a lot in common.

But I don't want to believe he is different. I can't. Everytime I believe that, I end up getting hurt. I end up getting played and I really don't want that to happen again. Still, something is nagging me inside to just go for it. I just don't want to be let down again.

I know what she told me. She told me not to get into a relationship just for the sake of getting into a relationship. And I told her I don't want to be single for the sake of being single. So where do I stand? I guess somewhere in the middle, my least favourite place to be. For now, I'm having fun and just doing what feels right. However, like I mentioned, what feels right has hurt me before, and I'm really tired of getting hurt. I don't want to be the one who drives all her friends crazy saying, "he hurt me again. Please help..." I want to be the one they come to for advice, not the last one they talk to because of all the mistakes I've made. I want them to respect me and not think I'm some pathetic girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

But wearing my heart on my sleeve is what I do best and the only way I know how to go about this whole thing.

I'm so used to the old routine, this new one is throwing me off a little bit.

Love always,
Jill