A Little Bit of Everything

I don't know what it is about you.
But I open up to you so easily.
And I'm scared because I don't want you to use it against me.
I want you to get to know me.
I want you to trust me.
I want you to understand that I am weak.
I want you to see me for who I really am.
But I know I can't have everything I want.
And I have to be ready for you to ask me to be just friends.
But I've noticed that my pulse quickens when we're talking about something important.
I tend to forget what I'm doing and just pay attention to what you're saying.
I want to see you again, and see your face as we talk. I want to see the sincerity in your eyes, feel your compassion, just to know you're not playing with me.
And maybe I said all those things because that book is getting inside my head. But I know one thing is for sure:

I'm always glad to talk to you.

Last time I was with you, I was so happy. I felt all... tingly. I wasn't afraid to be with you. I couldn't help but smile. There was no where else in the world I would have rather been. You just felt safe.

But I'm terrified of being in a relationship again. And it makes me glad that you don't want one yet either. There is a lot to gain, but there is much more to lose. And I've already lost it once. Can I really afford to lose it again? Can I afford to get hurt again? Can my heart really do it?

Moreover, can it work out with us? I hardly know you, but my heart isn't what it was once. I feel like a tiny piece has been stolen, and I've put up walls in order to keep the thieves out. I gave it all away once, and I'm lucky I made it out almost unscathed.

But a piece of my heart will always be his, and that is a discomforting thought. I always wonder what he's told her. How many times they've laughed at the dumb things I've said. And the problem isn't that I don't trust him, it's that I don't trust her. I don't want her to know my secrets. I know that she would use them against me at the first sign of trouble.

But I need to remember that his judgement can be trusted.

And I have no doubt she's a nice girl.

I feel like I'm getting closer to being able to be his friend.

I can almost feel it again, that warmth.

Something like happiness....

Maybe?