Goodbye is Always Hard to Say

I feels so strange. It's strange knowing that you and I will never be the same again. It's strange knowing that someone out there holds a piece of me that I can never get back. It's strange to feel a pain when I hear songs, or hear his name. It's strange to know that I am terrified of seeing you. It's strange to know that you still have that effect on me, the one where you still influence a lot of things I do.

For the first time in my life I am truely on my own. I can do whatever I please and know that there is no one there who is going to say that I can't. You were always my barrier. You knew that, and you loved that, no matter how much you claim you didn't.

For three and a half years you were the only thing that mattered to me. The only thing that I cared about. The only thing that controlled me. The only thing that tamed me. And now, you're not here. It's scary to think of, and it will be scary for a while, but at the same time, it's almost comforting. I still pine for you, but not because I love you, because I miss the company of someone who really cares and isn't afraid to show it.

I feel free. Free of you. You were my ball and chain, but I'm free now, baby.

I hope you know that everything I ever promised you holds no merit anymore. I hope you know that I still consider you a very close friend, even if you don't think I'm one of yours. I hope you know I don't trust you. You broke that and now you have to work to earn it back. I hope you know you're the reason I was numb, the reason I continue to be numb. You were the first boy I ever cried over. The first boy I lost sleep over. And the first boy who made me feel the pain of heartache, heartbreak. I hope you know that, and I hope you feel what I felt, and still feel it, for so long.

I hope that when you hear Jonas Brothers it makes you think of me. I hope you think of the smile it would have brought to my face if I heard it on the radio. I hope that when you play your stupid video games you think of all the time we wasted together. I hope when you're sitting on that broken couch in your basement, you remember all the laughs, fights, and makeups we had on it. I hope when you crawl into bed, you remember the amazing night we spent together in it. I hope when you think of happiness you think of all the days we spent by the pool, and the nights we spent watching movies.

But mostly, I hope that when you think of lost, unconditional, true love you think of me. And I hope that hurts a little, but you remember I'm only a memory.

I tried to remove you from my life, to cut you out and throw you away. But I couldn't do it. I knew I wouldn't be able to. Not as long as we still have the same friends, live in the same city, and have ties to one another. The only way I could ever be rid of you completly would be to leave all together. Get rid of my phone, my laptop, burn everything you ever gave me. Start over from nothing. Because somedays I feel like thats all that I have left, nothing.

I have to remind myself how to smile sometimes. How to pretend that I'm not hurting. I'm getting better at it though. I know how to hide the pain. I know how to act like it's all okay, like I don't need you and I never did. But it's all an act. And only those willing to search will be able to see that.

But I'm doing okay. And thats the truth. My heart shattered when you left for good. The pieces so tiny that they feel through the cracks. I couldn't find them, and I was incomplete. But I've picked up the pieces I could reach. I'm starting to find the tiny pieces that fell away and putting them back in their original home. I know that my heart will never be the same, and that a part of me will always yearn for you, but that part is becoming smaller. The rest of me is getting stronger.

I'm learning that I don't need you.
I'm learning that I can find strength inside.
And if I can't, I know that I have friends I can ask for help.

I'm not afraid of being alone anymore, because thats what I want. I want to be alone for a while, do the journey on my own. I want to find myself before I find someone else. I want to not need anyone before I start needing someone new. I want to be able to stand on my own and be okay with standing on my own before I invite someone back into my life. I want to be amazing again, like I was before and while I was with you.

So for now I want to say goodbye to you. I'm letting you go. I'm not going to think about you, I'm not going to write about you, I'm not going to talk about you. I am barely going to acknowledge your existence. But I have intentions of finding my way back to you someday. Someday when we're both stronger. Because I know you're not. You never were and you're proving that to everyone through what you're doing. I see through you, and I always have. You knew that.

I don't love you.
I don't miss you.
I don't need you.
I don't want you.

And as Taylor Swift put it:
"When you've found everything you've looked for, I hope that life leads you back to my door. But if it don't, stay beautiful."

Goodbye, love.