Stupid Book <3

I don't think reading Twilight was one of the brightest ideas I've ever had.
It was amazing and I loved it, and I'm not going to lie about that.
I hate it because it made me fall in love with a completely fictional person.
Someone who could never be real, even if there was such a person.
Because no one is that flawless.
No one is that perfect.
No one is that breathtaking.
And I'm really starting to wish I had never read that stupid book.
Because I can't get him out of my head.
I compare everything a boy says to me to what Edward would say in the same situation.
I keep hoping that the things he says are things the he means. The way Edward means everything he says.
And I know that comparing everything he says to Edward isn't fair. Because there is no such thing as Edward.
But I want someone like that.
Someone who would do anything for me.
Someone who is happy to be with me.
Someone who is just perfect for me.
Someone who makes my heart jump and stop.
Someone who I am so curious about I can't stop asking questions.
Someone who is just as curious about me.
Someone who is willing to love me like that.
Someone I can love like that.
Someone who will do cute things for me.
Someone I can do cute things for.
Pretty much, I just want someone.
And I hate feeling this way.
Because you're far away.
And thats making you like me less and less each day.
I know it.
You used to say really cute things to me, and now they're getting fewer and farther between.
I keep trying to make you realise that I am a good person, and lots of fun to be with.
But its hard when I can't be with you.

This whole lonliness thing is really getting to me.
I hate it.

A Little Bit of Everything

I don't know what it is about you.
But I open up to you so easily.
And I'm scared because I don't want you to use it against me.
I want you to get to know me.
I want you to trust me.
I want you to understand that I am weak.
I want you to see me for who I really am.
But I know I can't have everything I want.
And I have to be ready for you to ask me to be just friends.
But I've noticed that my pulse quickens when we're talking about something important.
I tend to forget what I'm doing and just pay attention to what you're saying.
I want to see you again, and see your face as we talk. I want to see the sincerity in your eyes, feel your compassion, just to know you're not playing with me.
And maybe I said all those things because that book is getting inside my head. But I know one thing is for sure:

I'm always glad to talk to you.

Last time I was with you, I was so happy. I felt all... tingly. I wasn't afraid to be with you. I couldn't help but smile. There was no where else in the world I would have rather been. You just felt safe.

But I'm terrified of being in a relationship again. And it makes me glad that you don't want one yet either. There is a lot to gain, but there is much more to lose. And I've already lost it once. Can I really afford to lose it again? Can I afford to get hurt again? Can my heart really do it?

Moreover, can it work out with us? I hardly know you, but my heart isn't what it was once. I feel like a tiny piece has been stolen, and I've put up walls in order to keep the thieves out. I gave it all away once, and I'm lucky I made it out almost unscathed.

But a piece of my heart will always be his, and that is a discomforting thought. I always wonder what he's told her. How many times they've laughed at the dumb things I've said. And the problem isn't that I don't trust him, it's that I don't trust her. I don't want her to know my secrets. I know that she would use them against me at the first sign of trouble.

But I need to remember that his judgement can be trusted.

And I have no doubt she's a nice girl.

I feel like I'm getting closer to being able to be his friend.

I can almost feel it again, that warmth.

Something like happiness....

Maybe?

Just Let Me Know

I think there may be something about you. But I don't know what.

And it's weird because sometimes I think that maybe you feel that way too.
And other times it's like I don't even exist.

I don't want to be convienient for you.

If you're going to say the things you do, please mean them. Don't make me feel special and then forget about me.

I don't want to fall for you and get hurt. It's happened. And I don't like it.

I don't want to think about you if you don't think about me.

I don't want to feel anything if you don't either.

I don't want to wait for you if you're not willing to wait for me.

Because I'm sure we could be great. We have been so far.

And I'm willing to try if you are.

And I know right now it's almost impossible.

But I just want to know.

What exactly do you feel?

Because I'm sick of your bi-polar emotions.

Just let me know.

Five Things

I know I was teasing you about texting me so early and waking me up. But...

I would much rather wake up to a text from you than to my alarm. <3

And I don't know if I should be thinking about you so much. But...

I can't help it; you're so cute.

I'm scared because I can't stop myself around you. But...

I'm more scared because I don't think you mind.

Usually I listen to my friends and family. But...

I think that you might be different.

I'm really excited to see you again. And...

I'm hoping you're really excited to see me too.

<3

Wearing My Heart on My Sleeve

Everything happens for a reason, I am told. I guess I might be starting to believe this, simply because of the way I'm feeling now. I mean, I didn't think the two of us could live without one another and I never thought I'd see the day when you were with anyone but me. But look, today is that day, and I'm seeing and feeling and doing all of these things.

It's funny how strong you can be when you have no one to make you weaker. Or when you're forced to be strong because you really have no one else to lean on.

If you haven't noticed, I'm doing well. Really well. And I should say that I hope you are too. I hope you found the happiness you were always searching for. I hope you found someone who wants to grow old with you like you always wanted. I hope you found someone who doesn't fight for the sake of fighting. I hope you found someone who can make your day better, no matter what you're talking about. I just hope you found someone.

As for me, I haven't. I haven't been looking really, but I don't feel the need to. I don't know if I want to fall in love again. I don't know if I want to begin to rely on someone so soon after I finally stopped relying on him. But something tells me this new boy could be different. Of course, this is what I told myself last time, and he wasn't. He turned out to be the same as his friend, like I thought he might be. He lied, and I believed him like I always do.

But this new boy is something else. He likes everything I do. He's adorable. He's funny. He makes me smile. I think about him a lot. I want to talk to him. I feel comfortable around him. He feels safe. We have a lot in common.

But I don't want to believe he is different. I can't. Everytime I believe that, I end up getting hurt. I end up getting played and I really don't want that to happen again. Still, something is nagging me inside to just go for it. I just don't want to be let down again.

I know what she told me. She told me not to get into a relationship just for the sake of getting into a relationship. And I told her I don't want to be single for the sake of being single. So where do I stand? I guess somewhere in the middle, my least favourite place to be. For now, I'm having fun and just doing what feels right. However, like I mentioned, what feels right has hurt me before, and I'm really tired of getting hurt. I don't want to be the one who drives all her friends crazy saying, "he hurt me again. Please help..." I want to be the one they come to for advice, not the last one they talk to because of all the mistakes I've made. I want them to respect me and not think I'm some pathetic girl who wears her heart on her sleeve.

But wearing my heart on my sleeve is what I do best and the only way I know how to go about this whole thing.

I'm so used to the old routine, this new one is throwing me off a little bit.

Love always,
Jill

I Believe

I truly believe that everything will be wonderful someday...

This is the belief that helps me wake up in the morning. This is the belief that keeps me going, keeps me thinking. This is the belief that gives me the strength to reconnect with friends and repair things that need repairing.

I believe that I have the best friends in the world...

This belief keeps me grounded. This belief makes me realize how lucky I really am, and it makes me believe that I can do anything. This belief helps me to be a better person and it keeps me from screwing up, like I always do.

I believe that I am finding who I really am...

This belief helps me make my own decisions. This belief helps me speak my mind and trust my heart, which has let me down before. This belief helps me realize that everything happens for a reason and that I shouldn't try to be anything that doesn't feel right. This belief helps me to stand up for myself and stand up for everything I believe in.

I believe that love will happen when I'm not looking for it.
I believe that things will work themselves out.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
I believe that all the things I have gone through in the past couple of weeks have made me a stronger person.
I believe that I am a good person.
I believe that everyone is beautiful on the inside.
I believe in karma.
I believe that there can only be so much bad.
I believe that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, somedays it might shine brighter than others but it is always there.
I believe there are people who care for me.
I believe that I can change the world.
I believe that no matter what happens, my friends will always be there for me.
I believe that people come into my life for a reason.
I believe that friendship is one of the most important things in the world.
I believe that there is good in everyone, you might just have to look.
I believe that there can only be so many rough spots before there is an amazing one.
I believe that I am the only one who can make me truly happy.
I believe that I am better by myself.
I believe that I am doing what I love.
I believe that this will all payoff in the end.

I believe that only I can make my life better and I think that I need to make some changes to make it better. And thats what I am doing. I am sucking out all the poison and surrounding myself only with the people I want to be around. I am being who I want to be. I am taking chances, making a few mistakes and learning from everything I am doing. I am putting myself out there and making new friends.

So, like I said, I truly believe everything will be wonderful someday.

Love always,
Jill

Forever Friends

Growing up can be so tough sometimes. I feel that I am learning that the hard way right now with everything that I am going through. I have been looking everywhere for some kind of comfort because I feel that I cannot find any in myself at the moment.

So I turned to the only people who could ever truly comfort me, my forever friends. I do not call them best friends because I believe that all of my friends are the best. I call them my forever friends because I know that what we have is so special and I know that it will last forever.

It is hard to find a forever friend. I felt like I had been searching for forever before I found mine. And I am lucky enough to have two very special forever friends. So these are for them.

1. It's strange how distance has made us stronger. Almost the way you make me stronger simply by being my friend. You have always been there for me. I'm going through such a rough patch right now, and you were the one who 'picked' me up off the bathroom floor, you were the reason I got out of bed the next morning. You have taught me so much. You have taught me that I am strong on my own. You have taught me what true, unconditional love is. You have taught me how to be a better person. But mostly, you have taught me how to let go and not be afraid. I don't know what I would do without you. We have had our ups and downs, and always over the stupidest of things, but we made it through. I believe that we have stood the test of time and that you and I will never fade. Our friendship is stronger than ever, and I am so glad that you and I have been able to keep the flame burning. I love you so much. Even though you put bananas in your pants.

2. You are so unique. I have always been envious of the way you carry yourself. You have never cared about what anyone thought of you. I remember how you used to wear your hair. All short and brightly coloured. I remember how you used to wear all those pretty beaded necklaces. You and I have never gotten into any fights, and I am so grateful for that. You have always been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, no matter what time it was or how stupid I was being. And I will always be there for you. It is hard to think that you are so far away from me now, but I know that you are doing the one thing you love more than life itself. You have grown into this beautiful and sophistocated young woman with immeasurable talent. Although we have never truly fought, we have had our share of ups and downs. But I am so glad that we worked through them and made it to where we are today. You always had this way of keeping me grounded and giving me the rational point of view I needed in the worst possible situations. You always understand me and never judge me. I will always love you, no matter what. You are such a big part of my life and I am so glad you are doing what you love.

These two girls have been my support system and my older sisters the entire time I have known them. They have been better friends to me than anyone else I have ever known, and I love them for who they are. I feel that they know me better than anyone else and that we will stay friends for a lifetime.

So if you are lucky enough to have a forever friend, I suggest that you never let them go. Never forget to cherish your happy moments and learn for the bad ones. Forever friends are hard to find, so when you find one, hold on to them with all your might.

I love you girls. More than air.

Love always,
Jill