I'm not sure where to start with this.
Clearly this is just more evidence that the more I think, the more pain I put myself through.
And I want to blame it all on you, but I have a feeling my overactive imagination is the real perpetrator.
You say things that make me smile.
You leave me breathless and I don't know why.
You make me happier than a lot of people have in the past few weeks.
But I know you're going to run, so now I'm the one whose pushing.
I'm going to push you away.
Not because I want to.
More or less because I don't want to let you in, just so you can steal my heart and never give it back.
I'm scared that you're going to run, but I'm more scared that I'm going to run first.
I don't want to give you up.
You give me a reason to smile everyday.
And you're an amazing person.
But you don't let me in.
I want to know every side of you.
But you refuse to show me any other side than the mask you put on everyday.
I don't believe that the person you portray everyday is the real you.
Kind of the way the person I portray everyday isn't really me.
I believe that there is a lot more to you than meets the eye.
And I want to see it all, but you have to let me.
I want you to see all the dark and scary sides me of, so that the good things look that much better.
But I refuse to let you in until you show me an ounce of hope.
Hope that maybe this is going somewhere.
Hope that maybe when you said that I shouldn't trust you, you were lying.
Hope that maybe you care a lot more than you say you do.
Hope that maybe all of this can work out someday.
Hope that maybe you will let me in.
But I can see you running already. You're backing off.
This is what happens every time.
As soon as I see you running, I run faster. Not to catch up, but to get away.
I don't want that to happen this time.
I don't ever want to lose you.
But I have this feeling I'm going to.
And it's going to break me down.
I don't want to cry over you, because I don't see why it would be worth it right now.
But I have a feeling that if you leave, I will.
You say I shouldn't trust you and not to give you my heart just yet.
The problem is I think that you have my heart in the palm of your hand.
The bigger problem is I don't think you know.
And I'm so scared right now, but you don't know that either.
I want to tell you, but I can't.
And the scariest thing is that when I said "ily", I think I might have meant it.
Now I'm just hoping that every time you say "I love you", you mean it too.
But as Demi says: "I can't set my hopes too high 'cause every hello ends with a goodbye."
And I have a feeling that is how this is going to end.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Feel.
I met a boy. An amazing boy. The boy version of me. He does something to me. Something I can't explain. Something that is terrifying and amazing all at the same time.
He makes me feel.
A lot of things make me feel, but not the way this boy does.
He makes me feel.
Everything is more beautiful when he is around.
Everything feels more real when he is around.
Everything feels brighter and happier when he is around.
He is beautiful, inside and out.
He makes me feel like I don't want to be anywhere else.
He makes me feel safe and at home no matter where we are.
He feels warm, and loving.
He feels safe, and homely.
He feels new, and exciting.
He feels dangerous, and adventurous.
He feels perfect.
He feels real, and he makes me feel alive.
I'm so excited about him, but I'm terrified of him. He is the one person I feel this way about and it's the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what to do.
He said he will wait if I find someone else. But the scary part is...
I don't want anyone else.
Only him.
He makes me feel.
A lot of things make me feel, but not the way this boy does.
He makes me feel.
Everything is more beautiful when he is around.
Everything feels more real when he is around.
Everything feels brighter and happier when he is around.
He is beautiful, inside and out.
He makes me feel like I don't want to be anywhere else.
He makes me feel safe and at home no matter where we are.
He feels warm, and loving.
He feels safe, and homely.
He feels new, and exciting.
He feels dangerous, and adventurous.
He feels perfect.
He feels real, and he makes me feel alive.
I'm so excited about him, but I'm terrified of him. He is the one person I feel this way about and it's the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what to do.
He said he will wait if I find someone else. But the scary part is...
I don't want anyone else.
Only him.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Funny
I think it's funny how a certain place can bring so much emotion.
How certain people can bring out the best, and worst, in you.
How certain situations can make you stronger.
How one day can change everything, and how one night can't fix everything.
Today you looked so weak, so fragile. I told you that you were sick, but you insisted that you don't ever get sick. Now look at you. You're breaking down, like I knew you would.
I think it's funny that I want to protect you right now. That I want to be there incase something goes wrong. I want to make sure you're actually sleeping, and that you eating well and getting better.
Last night you were so full of energy. A girl, someone new because you know you need that, came into your life. She could be great for you, but you still go back to her. That energy was endearing and very powerful. Sitting next to you I could feel your happiness, see your glow. But she's trying to bring you down again, which is slightly annoying from my perspective.
The last few months have really changed you. You went from shy, inderpendent girl who mostly his in her bedroom, to introverted co-dependent girl who won't leave his bedroom. You go back on your word. You say you're always here for me, but you're not. You don't eat and ou don't sleep. You don't do your work and you're not doing well in school. What happened?
He happened. One night changed everything. We met him and you fell. Admittedly, I did too, but he is nothing like I thought he would be. You don't do anything. You hardly go to class. You stay awake all night. You sleep all day. You hardly eat and complain of being starving. You don't do work and complain of a fear of failing. You fell apart. You're not who you were. I do care about you, but you exhaust me. Pull it together girl. You have to because you're in pieces and weak.
You. I can never figure you out. I'm not entirely sure what draws me to you, but I do know that it is getting weaker. I think this is because you're becoming withdrawn and I'm seeing all your flaws. You're not who I thought you were. Yes, you have some issues, but we all do. You keep everything in check, but you need to realise what your doing to everyone else. You're lazy. You never go to class. You're having a bad effect on her. You don't eat. You don't sleep. Get it together, boy. You're going to fall apart. You already told me that you thought that it was going to happen to the next person who told you their opinion. Maybe everyone is telling you their opinion for a reason? Think about it. Sort it out. It could solve a lot of problems.
You're funny. You make me laugh. But you frustrate me to no end. For one thing, you complain about nearly everything. And it drives me crazy when you spen no time in the place you're always complaining about. I get the whole "I want my own room back" thing, but they don't think that you really live there anyway. You need to stop shit talking and say things to people's face. I don't know how to feel about you exactly.
It's funny how people change. How you can feel one thing for someone one minute, and then something else another. It's funny how people can change you. It's funny how you can effect people. It's funny how you can come to rely on people. It's funny that people can come to rely on you.
I miss you. I think you might miss me too. I don't regret that night. I know I screwed things up, but i had no chance with you anyway. We're fixing things, sort of. I want to. I hope you want to fix things too.
Everything is kind of funny or ironic. Everything has a bright side and a dark side. Everything is significant in some small way, even if it is not apparent at first.
How certain people can bring out the best, and worst, in you.
How certain situations can make you stronger.
How one day can change everything, and how one night can't fix everything.
Today you looked so weak, so fragile. I told you that you were sick, but you insisted that you don't ever get sick. Now look at you. You're breaking down, like I knew you would.
I think it's funny that I want to protect you right now. That I want to be there incase something goes wrong. I want to make sure you're actually sleeping, and that you eating well and getting better.
Last night you were so full of energy. A girl, someone new because you know you need that, came into your life. She could be great for you, but you still go back to her. That energy was endearing and very powerful. Sitting next to you I could feel your happiness, see your glow. But she's trying to bring you down again, which is slightly annoying from my perspective.
The last few months have really changed you. You went from shy, inderpendent girl who mostly his in her bedroom, to introverted co-dependent girl who won't leave his bedroom. You go back on your word. You say you're always here for me, but you're not. You don't eat and ou don't sleep. You don't do your work and you're not doing well in school. What happened?
He happened. One night changed everything. We met him and you fell. Admittedly, I did too, but he is nothing like I thought he would be. You don't do anything. You hardly go to class. You stay awake all night. You sleep all day. You hardly eat and complain of being starving. You don't do work and complain of a fear of failing. You fell apart. You're not who you were. I do care about you, but you exhaust me. Pull it together girl. You have to because you're in pieces and weak.
You. I can never figure you out. I'm not entirely sure what draws me to you, but I do know that it is getting weaker. I think this is because you're becoming withdrawn and I'm seeing all your flaws. You're not who I thought you were. Yes, you have some issues, but we all do. You keep everything in check, but you need to realise what your doing to everyone else. You're lazy. You never go to class. You're having a bad effect on her. You don't eat. You don't sleep. Get it together, boy. You're going to fall apart. You already told me that you thought that it was going to happen to the next person who told you their opinion. Maybe everyone is telling you their opinion for a reason? Think about it. Sort it out. It could solve a lot of problems.
You're funny. You make me laugh. But you frustrate me to no end. For one thing, you complain about nearly everything. And it drives me crazy when you spen no time in the place you're always complaining about. I get the whole "I want my own room back" thing, but they don't think that you really live there anyway. You need to stop shit talking and say things to people's face. I don't know how to feel about you exactly.
It's funny how people change. How you can feel one thing for someone one minute, and then something else another. It's funny how people can change you. It's funny how you can effect people. It's funny how you can come to rely on people. It's funny that people can come to rely on you.
I miss you. I think you might miss me too. I don't regret that night. I know I screwed things up, but i had no chance with you anyway. We're fixing things, sort of. I want to. I hope you want to fix things too.
Everything is kind of funny or ironic. Everything has a bright side and a dark side. Everything is significant in some small way, even if it is not apparent at first.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Why!?
This is stupid and I know it.
But when I gave you the option of chosing between White Horse, You Belong With Me, and Forever&Always, you would choose You Belong With Me.
Why?
You throw me YET AGAIN.
Last night you were perfect.
I was falling so hard.
SO hard.
And I wish you would see it too.
But you don't.
Just... why!? Why do you need to throw me like this all the time.
You don't know you do, but it happens and I wish you would see it.
UGH.
But when I gave you the option of chosing between White Horse, You Belong With Me, and Forever&Always, you would choose You Belong With Me.
Why?
You throw me YET AGAIN.
Last night you were perfect.
I was falling so hard.
SO hard.
And I wish you would see it too.
But you don't.
Just... why!? Why do you need to throw me like this all the time.
You don't know you do, but it happens and I wish you would see it.
UGH.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Best Friend...
"You run your hands through your hair, absentmindedly making me want you..." -Taylor Swift
(Note: I love how this girl sings songs that describe my life perfectly. It's creepy.)
I'm not sure where to start. Because I don't even know how I feel.
You say I'm your best friend, and I love that. You make amazing speaches about how amazing I am. And I always want to that say about you.
You are an amazing person. You have shot down all my original theories about you, sort of. I always knew you were a "man whore", as you so delicately put it, but you're so much more than that. You're one of the sweetest people I know. You're so open and warm. You are understanding and insightful. You are comforting and feel like home. You're always there and always concerned. You're compassionate and caring. You're funny and sensitive. You're everything and that's what makes you so amazing.
But this girl has thrown you. She's also the reason you and I are the way we are, the reason we are so close. I wish you would understand her point of view. Understand that she just doesn't feel the same way you do. Understand that she can't just create that spark you're looking for. You can impress her and her family as much as you want, but that won't create a spark. You're not sleeping over it, you're not eating over it, you're angry over it and it's killing you. Everyone sees that. No one wants you to feel the way you do, not only because it's hard to watch, but it's bad for your health. Literally.
There are times when I think that what we have now is perfect and that it's the way it's supposed to be. But then there are these other times, times when you're too amazing. Those times when you lean in to tell me something and I forget breathe, when our eyes meet and I can feel my cheeks burning. The times when you are so happy, that it feels like I couldn't be happier either. Times when you smile and everything wrong just melts away. Times when you hug me and I feel like that's where I'm supposed to be, and I never want to let go. Times when you give me those looks and my entire day is brighter.
I'm not sure what those moments mean. I know what you want, and it's her. And I'm always the one that is cheering you on, telling you that you can win this one. I tell you that she will come around, and that she's just pretending. Telling you that you were making it all up and seeing things that aren't there wasn't easy. The way your face fell broke my heart a little. I didn't want to tell you that, and I hope you saw that.
And maybe I'm looking into this alittle too much, but you slept last night. When I slept over. And it was me and you were sleeping on the same bed. You don't sleep. I don't know.
And maybe I'm looking into this a little too much, but you were the one who asked me to come have a sleep over with you and Andrew. It wasn't Andrew, it was you.
I'm not sure about this. But I like what we have now, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. You're amazing, no matter what. You're one of my best friends, and I adore you.
This song reminds me of you...
You Belong With Me
Taylor Swift (of course.)
You're on the phone with your girlfriend
She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesn't get your humor like I do
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
She'll never know your story like I do
But she wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming 'bout the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all, along so why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me
Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench thinking to myself
"Hey, isn't this easy?"
And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
And what you doing with a girl like that?
She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming 'bout the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all, along so why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know baby
You belong with me
You belong with me
Oh I remember you driving to my house, in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know baby
You belong with me
You belong with me
You belong with me
Have you ever thought? Just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me
(Note: I love how this girl sings songs that describe my life perfectly. It's creepy.)
I'm not sure where to start. Because I don't even know how I feel.
You say I'm your best friend, and I love that. You make amazing speaches about how amazing I am. And I always want to that say about you.
You are an amazing person. You have shot down all my original theories about you, sort of. I always knew you were a "man whore", as you so delicately put it, but you're so much more than that. You're one of the sweetest people I know. You're so open and warm. You are understanding and insightful. You are comforting and feel like home. You're always there and always concerned. You're compassionate and caring. You're funny and sensitive. You're everything and that's what makes you so amazing.
But this girl has thrown you. She's also the reason you and I are the way we are, the reason we are so close. I wish you would understand her point of view. Understand that she just doesn't feel the same way you do. Understand that she can't just create that spark you're looking for. You can impress her and her family as much as you want, but that won't create a spark. You're not sleeping over it, you're not eating over it, you're angry over it and it's killing you. Everyone sees that. No one wants you to feel the way you do, not only because it's hard to watch, but it's bad for your health. Literally.
There are times when I think that what we have now is perfect and that it's the way it's supposed to be. But then there are these other times, times when you're too amazing. Those times when you lean in to tell me something and I forget breathe, when our eyes meet and I can feel my cheeks burning. The times when you are so happy, that it feels like I couldn't be happier either. Times when you smile and everything wrong just melts away. Times when you hug me and I feel like that's where I'm supposed to be, and I never want to let go. Times when you give me those looks and my entire day is brighter.
I'm not sure what those moments mean. I know what you want, and it's her. And I'm always the one that is cheering you on, telling you that you can win this one. I tell you that she will come around, and that she's just pretending. Telling you that you were making it all up and seeing things that aren't there wasn't easy. The way your face fell broke my heart a little. I didn't want to tell you that, and I hope you saw that.
And maybe I'm looking into this alittle too much, but you slept last night. When I slept over. And it was me and you were sleeping on the same bed. You don't sleep. I don't know.
And maybe I'm looking into this a little too much, but you were the one who asked me to come have a sleep over with you and Andrew. It wasn't Andrew, it was you.
I'm not sure about this. But I like what we have now, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. You're amazing, no matter what. You're one of my best friends, and I adore you.
This song reminds me of you...
You Belong With Me
Taylor Swift (of course.)
You're on the phone with your girlfriend
She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesn't get your humor like I do
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
She'll never know your story like I do
But she wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming 'bout the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all, along so why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me
Walking the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench thinking to myself
"Hey, isn't this easy?"
And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine, I know you better than that
And what you doing with a girl like that?
She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming 'bout the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all, along so why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know baby
You belong with me
You belong with me
Oh I remember you driving to my house, in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along, so why can't you see
You belong with me
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time, how could you not know baby
You belong with me
You belong with me
You belong with me
Have you ever thought? Just maybe
You belong with me
You belong with me
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I'm Sorry...
You always thought I was so great, so wonderful, so perfect.
And then you wonder why you are always the one to get hurt.
But I can tell you why.
It's because you have so much faith in me.
And I'm sorry that I give you any reason to believe that I am so great.
I'm sorry that I hurt you again. This wasn't easy for me either. I didn't want to hurt you at all. And I wish that I could explain this better than I already have.
You were so excited at the concept of me thinking that I was still in love with you. That excitment got to me. It made me believe that I really might be in love with you. That going down to see you really was a good idea. But I knew deep down it wasn't.
I tried to make it obvious that I wasn't sure about the whole situation. And I thought I was doing well with that. But you're always so blind to my feelings. You never understand how I am feeling, no matter how hard I try to explain it to you. You get one thing in your head and thats it. You're gone and believeing that thats whats going to happen and thats it. I wish you were more flexible that way...
But I can't blame this all on you. You didn't want to get hurt. I should have made my doubts clearer, I should have told you right from the begining that I wasn't sure that I really was in love with you, that nothing was promised and that I thought that visiting you was a really bad idea.
I just wanted you to know that I am really truely sorry. I never ever meant to hurt you. I realize that I am the reason you are so hurt right now. I am the reason that you know this feeling so well. I really want you in my life, just not the way you want to be in it. I love you, but its not the same as before, its not as strong.
I'm not the one. The one would never ever do this to you.
I am so sorry...
It's killing me too, if you couldn't guess...
And then you wonder why you are always the one to get hurt.
But I can tell you why.
It's because you have so much faith in me.
And I'm sorry that I give you any reason to believe that I am so great.
I'm sorry that I hurt you again. This wasn't easy for me either. I didn't want to hurt you at all. And I wish that I could explain this better than I already have.
You were so excited at the concept of me thinking that I was still in love with you. That excitment got to me. It made me believe that I really might be in love with you. That going down to see you really was a good idea. But I knew deep down it wasn't.
I tried to make it obvious that I wasn't sure about the whole situation. And I thought I was doing well with that. But you're always so blind to my feelings. You never understand how I am feeling, no matter how hard I try to explain it to you. You get one thing in your head and thats it. You're gone and believeing that thats whats going to happen and thats it. I wish you were more flexible that way...
But I can't blame this all on you. You didn't want to get hurt. I should have made my doubts clearer, I should have told you right from the begining that I wasn't sure that I really was in love with you, that nothing was promised and that I thought that visiting you was a really bad idea.
I just wanted you to know that I am really truely sorry. I never ever meant to hurt you. I realize that I am the reason you are so hurt right now. I am the reason that you know this feeling so well. I really want you in my life, just not the way you want to be in it. I love you, but its not the same as before, its not as strong.
I'm not the one. The one would never ever do this to you.
I am so sorry...
It's killing me too, if you couldn't guess...
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I cant do this.
I'm sitting here on this stupid mattress and I'm wondering a lot of things.
Like if you were lying.
Like why it hurts to watch you two be so fucking perfect together.
Like why I hate sitting here and just letting it happen.
Like why I'm so passive agressive.
Like why I'm writing this stupid blog.
And now I look over and you're cuddling. Great.
And its like I'm not even here.
And I love that.
NOT.
This is not how I normally am.
Never.
And I hate this.
I hate that I want to rip her hair out right now, even though I promised we wouldn't fight over you.
I hate that I totally believe everything you told me, and that I actually thought I stood a chance.
I hate that you can't see that I'm so angry right now, even though I'm sitting less than 10 feet away from you.
I want to move closer to you, but she's there. Like a wall. This thick, beautiful, perfect wall that I cant break through. That I will never break through.
She makes it so much more obvious than I do.
Theres a reason for that.
I wish you would see that.
See that she is probably the only reason why your relationship is as fucked up as it is.
See that I really did keep my distance, that I continue to keep my distance.
And that I'm not going to write you that email.
Why would I ever write you that email?
Why would I ever tell you everything I'm thinking about when I cant even get it straight myself?
Why would I want to make this more difficult than I need to?
Why would I want to be such a pain?
Why would I ever believe anything you ever told me?
You say that you can read people really well. You say that you're really perceptive.
But I'm beginning to see that thats not true. To see that you only see what you want to see.
Because if you REALLY cared, you would see how angry I am right this second.
You would see that this isn't fair.
You would see that she cant keep her promises.
That she isn't as great as you think she is.
I know that you want to keep things the way they have been. But how can that even work? How can I actually make this work without getting hurt and hurting someone.
This situation makes this whole thing really complicated. You dont seem to think that its as bad as I see it. But it is. Its so bad.
I cant do this. Thats it.
Like if you were lying.
Like why it hurts to watch you two be so fucking perfect together.
Like why I hate sitting here and just letting it happen.
Like why I'm so passive agressive.
Like why I'm writing this stupid blog.
And now I look over and you're cuddling. Great.
And its like I'm not even here.
And I love that.
NOT.
This is not how I normally am.
Never.
And I hate this.
I hate that I want to rip her hair out right now, even though I promised we wouldn't fight over you.
I hate that I totally believe everything you told me, and that I actually thought I stood a chance.
I hate that you can't see that I'm so angry right now, even though I'm sitting less than 10 feet away from you.
I want to move closer to you, but she's there. Like a wall. This thick, beautiful, perfect wall that I cant break through. That I will never break through.
She makes it so much more obvious than I do.
Theres a reason for that.
I wish you would see that.
See that she is probably the only reason why your relationship is as fucked up as it is.
See that I really did keep my distance, that I continue to keep my distance.
And that I'm not going to write you that email.
Why would I ever write you that email?
Why would I ever tell you everything I'm thinking about when I cant even get it straight myself?
Why would I want to make this more difficult than I need to?
Why would I want to be such a pain?
Why would I ever believe anything you ever told me?
You say that you can read people really well. You say that you're really perceptive.
But I'm beginning to see that thats not true. To see that you only see what you want to see.
Because if you REALLY cared, you would see how angry I am right this second.
You would see that this isn't fair.
You would see that she cant keep her promises.
That she isn't as great as you think she is.
I know that you want to keep things the way they have been. But how can that even work? How can I actually make this work without getting hurt and hurting someone.
This situation makes this whole thing really complicated. You dont seem to think that its as bad as I see it. But it is. Its so bad.
I cant do this. Thats it.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Just another day...
How do I always manage this?
This stupid drama that I can't get rid of keeps coming back.
I fall into it with every step I take.
Just when everything seems to work itself out,
someone comes along and disturbs the peace.
I never wanted to interfere.
I never wanted to get in the way.
But it kind of seems like thats exactly what happened.
And I don't know if I mind yet.
I just don't want to make this awkard, because I'm good at making things awkward.
And it kind of screws a lot of things up.
Like everything I get involved in does.
But I can't say I'm completely upset by the whole thing.
And it sort of complicates things... living things.
They already think I'm a man stealer.
But I never meant for this to happen.
Never.
So I guess this is going to keep getting more and more tricky.
My head will keep spinning.
You'll keep being amazing.
And someone is bound to get hurt.
Just another day in my life...
This stupid drama that I can't get rid of keeps coming back.
I fall into it with every step I take.
Just when everything seems to work itself out,
someone comes along and disturbs the peace.
I never wanted to interfere.
I never wanted to get in the way.
But it kind of seems like thats exactly what happened.
And I don't know if I mind yet.
I just don't want to make this awkard, because I'm good at making things awkward.
And it kind of screws a lot of things up.
Like everything I get involved in does.
But I can't say I'm completely upset by the whole thing.
And it sort of complicates things... living things.
They already think I'm a man stealer.
But I never meant for this to happen.
Never.
So I guess this is going to keep getting more and more tricky.
My head will keep spinning.
You'll keep being amazing.
And someone is bound to get hurt.
Just another day in my life...
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Year, New Promises.
Like most teens my age, I decided to make a new years resolution.
It's something that I have been doing for a while now, but never really made 'official'.
Not that it's really important or needs announcing. Maybe just some explaining.
I'm not another typical teen who promised to work harder or go on a diet. I didn't make a typical new years resolution to look better or anything superficial like that.
I promised myself that I would treat me better.
Better than I ever have.
For the last little while I have been really hard on myself. I have gone through some huge changes that have made my point of view shift, and has made me into a different person than I was before everything happened.
Before the break, I was slipping into a depression. Something that, unfortunately, wasn't new to me. It runs in the family and this time of year it always gets bad.
But I decided to change that.
I decided to take better care of myself. I will try to be easier on myself and do the things that I love doing. I will stop caring what other people think. I will not let others choose my path for me, and I will make my own decisions. I'm an adult now and I need to start taking care of myself for once. I need to be strong on my own.
I am going to do whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I will try to have as few regrets as possible and try to never look back. I will let go of grudges. I will be more open minded. I will treat others with love, regardless of what they have done to me. I will try to not hurt others, and mostly not hurt myself. I will be smarter with my choices. I will think about things more thoroughly.
Basically, I'm going to live smarter. It's not something I can really explain, I just have to do it.
It's something that I have been doing for a while now, but never really made 'official'.
Not that it's really important or needs announcing. Maybe just some explaining.
I'm not another typical teen who promised to work harder or go on a diet. I didn't make a typical new years resolution to look better or anything superficial like that.
I promised myself that I would treat me better.
Better than I ever have.
For the last little while I have been really hard on myself. I have gone through some huge changes that have made my point of view shift, and has made me into a different person than I was before everything happened.
Before the break, I was slipping into a depression. Something that, unfortunately, wasn't new to me. It runs in the family and this time of year it always gets bad.
But I decided to change that.
I decided to take better care of myself. I will try to be easier on myself and do the things that I love doing. I will stop caring what other people think. I will not let others choose my path for me, and I will make my own decisions. I'm an adult now and I need to start taking care of myself for once. I need to be strong on my own.
I am going to do whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I will try to have as few regrets as possible and try to never look back. I will let go of grudges. I will be more open minded. I will treat others with love, regardless of what they have done to me. I will try to not hurt others, and mostly not hurt myself. I will be smarter with my choices. I will think about things more thoroughly.
Basically, I'm going to live smarter. It's not something I can really explain, I just have to do it.
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