I cant do this.

I'm sitting here on this stupid mattress and I'm wondering a lot of things.
Like if you were lying.
Like why it hurts to watch you two be so fucking perfect together.
Like why I hate sitting here and just letting it happen.
Like why I'm so passive agressive.
Like why I'm writing this stupid blog.

And now I look over and you're cuddling. Great.
And its like I'm not even here.
And I love that.
NOT.
This is not how I normally am.
Never.
And I hate this.
I hate that I want to rip her hair out right now, even though I promised we wouldn't fight over you.
I hate that I totally believe everything you told me, and that I actually thought I stood a chance.
I hate that you can't see that I'm so angry right now, even though I'm sitting less than 10 feet away from you.

I want to move closer to you, but she's there. Like a wall. This thick, beautiful, perfect wall that I cant break through. That I will never break through.

She makes it so much more obvious than I do.
Theres a reason for that.
I wish you would see that.
See that she is probably the only reason why your relationship is as fucked up as it is.
See that I really did keep my distance, that I continue to keep my distance.
And that I'm not going to write you that email.

Why would I ever write you that email?
Why would I ever tell you everything I'm thinking about when I cant even get it straight myself?
Why would I want to make this more difficult than I need to?
Why would I want to be such a pain?
Why would I ever believe anything you ever told me?

You say that you can read people really well. You say that you're really perceptive.
But I'm beginning to see that thats not true. To see that you only see what you want to see.
Because if you REALLY cared, you would see how angry I am right this second.
You would see that this isn't fair.
You would see that she cant keep her promises.
That she isn't as great as you think she is.

I know that you want to keep things the way they have been. But how can that even work? How can I actually make this work without getting hurt and hurting someone.
This situation makes this whole thing really complicated. You dont seem to think that its as bad as I see it. But it is. Its so bad.

I cant do this. Thats it.