Beginning of the End

I'm not sure where to start with this.
Clearly this is just more evidence that the more I think, the more pain I put myself through.
And I want to blame it all on you, but I have a feeling my overactive imagination is the real perpetrator.
You say things that make me smile.
You leave me breathless and I don't know why.
You make me happier than a lot of people have in the past few weeks.
But I know you're going to run, so now I'm the one whose pushing.
I'm going to push you away.
Not because I want to.
More or less because I don't want to let you in, just so you can steal my heart and never give it back.
I'm scared that you're going to run, but I'm more scared that I'm going to run first.
I don't want to give you up.
You give me a reason to smile everyday.
And you're an amazing person.
But you don't let me in.
I want to know every side of you.
But you refuse to show me any other side than the mask you put on everyday.
I don't believe that the person you portray everyday is the real you.
Kind of the way the person I portray everyday isn't really me.
I believe that there is a lot more to you than meets the eye.
And I want to see it all, but you have to let me.
I want you to see all the dark and scary sides me of, so that the good things look that much better.
But I refuse to let you in until you show me an ounce of hope.
Hope that maybe this is going somewhere.
Hope that maybe when you said that I shouldn't trust you, you were lying.
Hope that maybe you care a lot more than you say you do.
Hope that maybe all of this can work out someday.
Hope that maybe you will let me in.
But I can see you running already. You're backing off.
This is what happens every time.
As soon as I see you running, I run faster. Not to catch up, but to get away.
I don't want that to happen this time.
I don't ever want to lose you.
But I have this feeling I'm going to.
And it's going to break me down.
I don't want to cry over you, because I don't see why it would be worth it right now.
But I have a feeling that if you leave, I will.
You say I shouldn't trust you and not to give you my heart just yet.
The problem is I think that you have my heart in the palm of your hand.
The bigger problem is I don't think you know.
And I'm so scared right now, but you don't know that either.
I want to tell you, but I can't.
And the scariest thing is that when I said "ily", I think I might have meant it.

Now I'm just hoping that every time you say "I love you", you mean it too.
But as Demi says: "I can't set my hopes too high 'cause every hello ends with a goodbye."
And I have a feeling that is how this is going to end.

Feel.

I met a boy. An amazing boy. The boy version of me. He does something to me. Something I can't explain. Something that is terrifying and amazing all at the same time.

He makes me feel.

A lot of things make me feel, but not the way this boy does.
He makes me feel.
Everything is more beautiful when he is around.
Everything feels more real when he is around.
Everything feels brighter and happier when he is around.

He is beautiful, inside and out.
He makes me feel like I don't want to be anywhere else.
He makes me feel safe and at home no matter where we are.

He feels warm, and loving.
He feels safe, and homely.
He feels new, and exciting.
He feels dangerous, and adventurous.
He feels perfect.

He feels real, and he makes me feel alive.

I'm so excited about him, but I'm terrified of him. He is the one person I feel this way about and it's the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know what to do.

He said he will wait if I find someone else. But the scary part is...

I don't want anyone else.
Only him.