I cant do this.

I'm sitting here on this stupid mattress and I'm wondering a lot of things.
Like if you were lying.
Like why it hurts to watch you two be so fucking perfect together.
Like why I hate sitting here and just letting it happen.
Like why I'm so passive agressive.
Like why I'm writing this stupid blog.

And now I look over and you're cuddling. Great.
And its like I'm not even here.
And I love that.
NOT.
This is not how I normally am.
Never.
And I hate this.
I hate that I want to rip her hair out right now, even though I promised we wouldn't fight over you.
I hate that I totally believe everything you told me, and that I actually thought I stood a chance.
I hate that you can't see that I'm so angry right now, even though I'm sitting less than 10 feet away from you.

I want to move closer to you, but she's there. Like a wall. This thick, beautiful, perfect wall that I cant break through. That I will never break through.

She makes it so much more obvious than I do.
Theres a reason for that.
I wish you would see that.
See that she is probably the only reason why your relationship is as fucked up as it is.
See that I really did keep my distance, that I continue to keep my distance.
And that I'm not going to write you that email.

Why would I ever write you that email?
Why would I ever tell you everything I'm thinking about when I cant even get it straight myself?
Why would I want to make this more difficult than I need to?
Why would I want to be such a pain?
Why would I ever believe anything you ever told me?

You say that you can read people really well. You say that you're really perceptive.
But I'm beginning to see that thats not true. To see that you only see what you want to see.
Because if you REALLY cared, you would see how angry I am right this second.
You would see that this isn't fair.
You would see that she cant keep her promises.
That she isn't as great as you think she is.

I know that you want to keep things the way they have been. But how can that even work? How can I actually make this work without getting hurt and hurting someone.
This situation makes this whole thing really complicated. You dont seem to think that its as bad as I see it. But it is. Its so bad.

I cant do this. Thats it.

Just another day...

How do I always manage this?
This stupid drama that I can't get rid of keeps coming back.
I fall into it with every step I take.
Just when everything seems to work itself out,
someone comes along and disturbs the peace.

I never wanted to interfere.
I never wanted to get in the way.
But it kind of seems like thats exactly what happened.
And I don't know if I mind yet.

I just don't want to make this awkard, because I'm good at making things awkward.
And it kind of screws a lot of things up.
Like everything I get involved in does.
But I can't say I'm completely upset by the whole thing.

And it sort of complicates things... living things.
They already think I'm a man stealer.
But I never meant for this to happen.
Never.

So I guess this is going to keep getting more and more tricky.
My head will keep spinning.
You'll keep being amazing.
And someone is bound to get hurt.

Just another day in my life...

New Year, New Promises.

Like most teens my age, I decided to make a new years resolution.
It's something that I have been doing for a while now, but never really made 'official'.
Not that it's really important or needs announcing. Maybe just some explaining.
I'm not another typical teen who promised to work harder or go on a diet. I didn't make a typical new years resolution to look better or anything superficial like that.

I promised myself that I would treat me better.
Better than I ever have.

For the last little while I have been really hard on myself. I have gone through some huge changes that have made my point of view shift, and has made me into a different person than I was before everything happened.

Before the break, I was slipping into a depression. Something that, unfortunately, wasn't new to me. It runs in the family and this time of year it always gets bad.

But I decided to change that.

I decided to take better care of myself. I will try to be easier on myself and do the things that I love doing. I will stop caring what other people think. I will not let others choose my path for me, and I will make my own decisions. I'm an adult now and I need to start taking care of myself for once. I need to be strong on my own.

I am going to do whatever I want and not feel bad about it. I will try to have as few regrets as possible and try to never look back. I will let go of grudges. I will be more open minded. I will treat others with love, regardless of what they have done to me. I will try to not hurt others, and mostly not hurt myself. I will be smarter with my choices. I will think about things more thoroughly.

Basically, I'm going to live smarter. It's not something I can really explain, I just have to do it.