I have so much floating around in my head right now. I can't keep anything straight. I don't know how I am feeling, only that I never want to feel this way again.
I really hope you don't like her because she said she likes you. I hope you know how much this is killing me. I hope you know I'm not trying to make this harder. I hope you know I want you here with me now. I hope you know I don't regret anything. I hope you know that you still have so much power over my thoughts. I hope you know I am trying so hard. I hope you know that if you date her, it will be so hard to be your friend. I hope you know I wouldn't ever do that to you. I hope you know that this whole thing is ruining my life. I hope you know this is exactly what she wanted. I hope you know that she does this because she hates me. I hope you know she will never love you the way I did. I hope you know that even if I do find someone else, he will never be you. I hope you know that I want to marry you. I hope you know that all I ever wanted was you. I hope you know that I will wait for you. I hope you know that I will always be there for you. I hope you know I have never cried this much over anything. I hope you know I will never forget you. I hope you know that I still LOVE YOU.
I just hope you know.
EDIT: This was writen about two weeks ago. So:
I HOPE YOU KNOW I AM SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT YOU.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Immortal Beloved - Beethoven
Right now I find these letter very soothing. I was watching "Sex & the City" the movie, and when Carrie read his third letter (my favourite) it tugged at my heartstrings. So here it is. Something that means a lot to me right now.
The First Letter
July 6, in the morning
My angel, my all, my very self - Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time - Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life - If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be - Your faithful LUDWIG.
The Second Letter
Evening, Monday, July 6
You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays - the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, there you are also - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?
The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful
heart of your beloved.ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
(Thank you to http://home.swipnet.se/zabonk/cultur/ludwig/beeim.htm for the letters!)
Love,
Jill
The First Letter
July 6, in the morning
My angel, my all, my very self - Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time - Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and to your with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one; I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the post-coach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of a forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - Yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life - If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be - Your faithful LUDWIG.
The Second Letter
Evening, Monday, July 6
You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays - the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, there you are also - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?
The Third Letter
Good morning, on July 7
Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can live only wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits - Yes, unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - At my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful
heart of your beloved.ever thine
ever mine
ever ours
(Thank you to http://home.swipnet.se/zabonk/cultur/ludwig/beeim.htm for the letters!)
Love,
Jill
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
You.
I never thought I would ever meet someone like you. You are the who who can always make me smile, and one of the only ones who can make me cry. You're the only one I have ever loved this way, and the one I have so much feeling for.
You are the one who knows all the right things to say, and all the right places to touch. You always knew how to make me laugh, even on my worst days or in my worst moods. You are the one I never want to forget, but the one that hurts so much to remember right now.
You are the one who keeps me going, and the only one who I would drop everything for. You are the one who encouraged e to follow my dreams, and the one who never let me get hurt when it didn't work out the way I wanted. You are the one who had all the good ideas, but let me pass them off as my own when I felt like I had nothing good to say.
You are the one who will always understand even when I make no sense. You are the one who always knew what I was thinking, even when I didn't say a word. You are the one who always thought I was beautiful, even in sweat pants and a baggy sweater. You are the only one I have felt this comfortable around, and the only one I want to feel this comfortable around.
Everything reminds me of you. Every song, every picture, every word, every person reminds me of you and reminds me of the person you have made me. It reminds me that I hurt the only person who would ever love me the way you do.
I am truly sorry.
You always have a place in my heart.
Love ALWAYS,
Jill
You are the one who knows all the right things to say, and all the right places to touch. You always knew how to make me laugh, even on my worst days or in my worst moods. You are the one I never want to forget, but the one that hurts so much to remember right now.
You are the one who keeps me going, and the only one who I would drop everything for. You are the one who encouraged e to follow my dreams, and the one who never let me get hurt when it didn't work out the way I wanted. You are the one who had all the good ideas, but let me pass them off as my own when I felt like I had nothing good to say.
You are the one who will always understand even when I make no sense. You are the one who always knew what I was thinking, even when I didn't say a word. You are the one who always thought I was beautiful, even in sweat pants and a baggy sweater. You are the only one I have felt this comfortable around, and the only one I want to feel this comfortable around.
Everything reminds me of you. Every song, every picture, every word, every person reminds me of you and reminds me of the person you have made me. It reminds me that I hurt the only person who would ever love me the way you do.
I am truly sorry.
You always have a place in my heart.
Love ALWAYS,
Jill
Thursday, October 16, 2008
That Girl
It is my personal belief that with every relationship comes 'that girl'. The girl who will do everything in her power to ruin everything you have worked so hard for. I must admit, I do have one of those girls.
You see, about three years ago, we really go into it. Mind you, I was 15, so it was a lot of hiding behind MySpace and writing mean blogs. Needless to say, I have grown out of that and apologized. It was my understanding that all of that was behind us and that the two of us were on good terms.
Apparently not.
She is back in full force. I'm not entirely sure why she chose now, when he's gone away and nothing can be changed, to come back. Maybe it's the fact that I'm nowhere near him and she can do what she wants without consequence. Either than that, I don't get why she is doing this.
I feel I haven't done anything. But she has taken the whole thing to a new level. She is blaming that fact that the two of them never talk all on me and acting like everything that ever happened was only me, as if she never said anything about me. Not to mention the fact she's talking about me to my boyfriend! I'm sorry, but that seems a little stupid to me.
And, as if that weren't enough. She's screwing around with my friends and my friend's relationships. Now, messing with me is one thing, but when you screw with my friends, shit's gonna hit the fan.
I'm just so tired of this. I wanted it all to be over because I don't think she knows how much it stresses me out. I thought everything was cool, but I guess not.
It's funny how a simple friend request on Facebook can set some people off.
Anyway, that's my rant.
Love,
Jill
You see, about three years ago, we really go into it. Mind you, I was 15, so it was a lot of hiding behind MySpace and writing mean blogs. Needless to say, I have grown out of that and apologized. It was my understanding that all of that was behind us and that the two of us were on good terms.
Apparently not.
She is back in full force. I'm not entirely sure why she chose now, when he's gone away and nothing can be changed, to come back. Maybe it's the fact that I'm nowhere near him and she can do what she wants without consequence. Either than that, I don't get why she is doing this.
I feel I haven't done anything. But she has taken the whole thing to a new level. She is blaming that fact that the two of them never talk all on me and acting like everything that ever happened was only me, as if she never said anything about me. Not to mention the fact she's talking about me to my boyfriend! I'm sorry, but that seems a little stupid to me.
And, as if that weren't enough. She's screwing around with my friends and my friend's relationships. Now, messing with me is one thing, but when you screw with my friends, shit's gonna hit the fan.
I'm just so tired of this. I wanted it all to be over because I don't think she knows how much it stresses me out. I thought everything was cool, but I guess not.
It's funny how a simple friend request on Facebook can set some people off.
Anyway, that's my rant.
Love,
Jill
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Hi There!
Starting a new blog can a frightening experience I'm sure. However, I'm not too worried. I figure as a first year journalism student, I should really start getting my writing out there.
So I guess first thing's first. My name is Jill and I'm a first year journalism student at a University about 40 minutes from the place I grew up. I live in Canada and it's alright I guess.
What important things do I have to say today? Nothing really either than the fact that I am so disappointed by the results of the election last night. I mean, Stephen Harper? For real?
I'm not a big fan of him to say the least, and with so many people complaining about him, I don't know how he managed to come so close getting a majority government. I voted for the first time and it really made me realize how many people it takes to make a change. Hopefully this won't last long and Harper will get power hungry again. Not that I want him to use our tax dollars to hold another election, but thats the only way to get him out of office. It's a complicated situation we're in.
Anyway, just thought I should introduce myself and say Hi.
Love,
Jill
So I guess first thing's first. My name is Jill and I'm a first year journalism student at a University about 40 minutes from the place I grew up. I live in Canada and it's alright I guess.
What important things do I have to say today? Nothing really either than the fact that I am so disappointed by the results of the election last night. I mean, Stephen Harper? For real?
I'm not a big fan of him to say the least, and with so many people complaining about him, I don't know how he managed to come so close getting a majority government. I voted for the first time and it really made me realize how many people it takes to make a change. Hopefully this won't last long and Harper will get power hungry again. Not that I want him to use our tax dollars to hold another election, but thats the only way to get him out of office. It's a complicated situation we're in.
Anyway, just thought I should introduce myself and say Hi.
Love,
Jill
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